How can I be so sure? Well, I am drinking coffee from my favorite cup, and carrot muffins have delighted their way into my oven, and soon one (or two) of them will be in my belly. OK. Probably just one. I plan to go for a run this afternoon, weather permitting, and we have a photoshoot this evening with a good (however new) friend (again, weather permitting).
The point of this particular post is not to lure you with muffins and coffee, but the opposite, really. Or is it? I can't be sure. What I am getting at is that yesterday morning, I asked a friend what sort of cupcakes I should bring to our very last small group meeting Wednesday morning, which began a dialogue.
You see, I have been struggling to deliver cupcakes to people since the start of the year, as a small gathering of dedicated men and women have joined together to slim down as a contest of sorts. Some of them have done incredibly well, and now, during the last week of said "contest," they are really trying to keep the momentum going. And I think it is great.
Really, I do.
Really: to the point of tears. There is very little that makes me happier than people who conquer their food issues. All of us who have done it know that it is an ongoing battle, but it can be done; and... and... I really am struggling with where to go here. Pictures.
This is me, now(ish):
Remember, from yesterday?
This is me 10 years ago:
Yes. On the left. More? OK.
Someone told me a pixy was a good idea. And one more...
Geez. I am hoping this was just the worst angle ever. I thought that shirt made me look thin. EESH.
First of all, let me tell you what I was doing 10-12 years ago. I was in Bible college in middle Tennessee, and I was not happy. I went there for three reasons:
1. If I went, I got to keep my car (if I went to Converse where I was already enrolled with scholarships, my car stayed at home).
2. I chose Converse because... well, Converse had no essay on its application.
3. Converse was an all-girls' liberal arts school and would 8 years of single-sex education make me into a lesbian?
I admit, all ridiculous reasons. All RIDICULOUS reasons.
I struggled at this Bible school to fit into the mold of what was a "godly woman," in my vintage clothes and pixy-cuts, questions about EVERYTHING, and hormones that were simply going wild. When I entered Bible school, I was not thin, nor had I ever been; but I was curvy, and carrying my weight in "all the right places." I was not proud of my figure in the mid-to-late 90's, when Kate Moss's boyish physique was at the height of glamour, but I could put on a nice dress and still feel good about myself.
At this Bible school, there was an honor code of no drinking, smoking, etc., but in my quest to rebel, I found myself at every 24-hour restaurant; sometimes two or three in a night, eating up every greasy treat I could find.
"Haha! I am up past my bedtime! Eat that! Ooh...don't mind if I do."
The summer after graduation, I made a major error in judgement, and this error caused me to binge even more. I remember looking in the mirror at this point and thinking, "I am officially fat."
For the next five years, I went back and forth between "curvy" and "fat," until the summer of 2004. It was then while sitting on a sofa, watching my 8th hour of television with my future husband, that I had an epiphany: I was gross. I joined the gym the following day, and never looked back.
It took me about 7 months to lose 40 lbs., and nearly seven years, a baby, and a baking obsession later, I have managed to keep it off. There have been times in those 7 years that have been much harder than others: more obsessive, and more unhealthy. There have been times I have catalogued calories, times I have worked out 3 hours in a day, and times I have stepped on the scale upwards of 20 occasions in a morning. I really did think that losing that weight would solve so many problems, but for the 2 people who think I am cooler because I am thin, there are 3 who think I can "never relate" to weight issues because I am thin.
Yes, I eat cake, and cupcakes, and muffins, and by extension white flour and sugar. No, I don't drink my calories, I don't eat fast food hamburgers, and no more gummies (the WORST candy ever), high fructose corn syrup or trans fat. I eat between 1200-1500 calories a day (1200 if I don't work out, 1500 if I do), and sometimes I blast those totals out of the water, and it really bothers me. I am incredibly aware of what is in EVERYTHING I eat, and this knowledge (I believe) is what keeps me small.
All of this to say, eat a cupcake. Or eat half of one. Or eat it and (God forbid) don't eat lunch. Don't replace cupcakes for lunch everyday, but you are a grown-up. You can eat a cupcake for lunch if you want to. I tell myself that at least once a week, and it makes me happy.
So there you have it. Stay the course, and fight those calories and (if you must) women who bear cupcakes. You can do it!
Rachel Bee
