Insecurity.

There are few things that keep me up at night.  I sleep well.  I do so much in a day; when it is time for bed, I am zonked.

Out.

Notice, however, that I said "few" things.

I am a perfectionist of sorts, although I do know when to stop.

There is a moment when finishing a haircut when I can sense the receiving party on the brink of annoyance:  stop.

Those last two bobby pins that cause a person to wince...  stop.

That little ripple of frosting that doesn't want to go anywhere... stop.

OK.  One more foil.  Because I swear, when you sit on your bathroom counter with a magnifying mirror and go through every section of your hair, you will see it and curse my name.

I would do it.  Don't you?

Magnifying mirror?  Anyone?

Leave it, Rach.  It will be OK.

Saturday night I had an updo: a girl's first.  Now, ordinarily I really could not care very much about what... hmm.  I will hold it there.  But this was not just any teenager.  She is a special one.  I like her.  I like her sisters.  They are like Disney princesses.  There is a brunette, a blonde, and a red-head.  I imagine that when their alarms go off in the morning, they all take a moment to swish their breathtaking locks back and forth, and then brush them 50 times together.

The youngest of the three sat in my chair, and with very little instruction, she allowed me to force her curls into an enormous, woven updo.

I loved it.  I really did.

She... really did not.

We pulled out a few pieces, tucked a few in, ironed her fringe, whatever she wanted- and when we were done, she forced a smile.

I hate those smiles.

And I did not sleep.

Sunday brought no relief, despite an assuring text from the sweet girl.  Because Sunday afternoon, I made this...

I know.  Beautiful.  Perhaps the prettiest I have ever made.

Vanilla Cake with Chocolate Ganache and Raspberries.

Why would such a cake stress me out?  Many reasons.  I start to feel crazy just looking at it.

I offered to deliver this cake Sunday afternoon for a baby shower.  The person who ordered it lives by the church I attend, and I had to go to rehearsal that evening.  I would drop it off on the way.  Simple enough.

Well, when I "map-quested" the house, I discovered that they did not live on the way at all, and I should have left 15 minutes ago.  Oops.

I stuck the kid and the cake in the car, and made a mad dash for the highway.  OK, not true.  I spent 5 hours on that cake.  I drove like a granny for the highway.  A granny with cake.

I made it to her neighborhood about 25 minutes later (5 minutes until practice, and 15 minutes away), and pulled out my directions.

"512.  512 should be on the ri...oh.  Oh.  Why is 512 an incomplete house?"

Oh, no.  Oh!  My phone.  I'll look it up in the email...

No phone.  Phone is on the kitchen counter.  Hmm...

What do I do?  Drive really slowly and look through windows for balloons?  OK.  Sure.

Stop complete strangers and ask, "Do you know where Kelly lives?"  Check.

Drive down long driveways and look into garages for church bumper stickers?  Yes.  I did.

Drive to Subway and ask to borrow a phone?  Sure.

"Ma'am.  I think your phone is broken.  Is there a reason it might not be working?"

"How (3 syllables) 'bat now?"  she replied.

"No.  Still nothing."

"Now?"

"No.  Not now.  Um..."

BTW, I am now at a point of complete panic.  10 minutes late for rehearsal, a half an hour late for cake delivery... disaster.  The young girl graciously gave me her cell phone after 6 tries on the store phone.  My husband miraculously answered his phone (513), and I drove to her house (still, like a granny.  Nothing was toppling this cake).

I made it to rehearsal with 5 minutes remaining.  I could not remember feeling more irresponsible since high school.  And in high school, I was the picture of irresponsibility.

To add insult to injury, I did not get any feedback on the cake for about 20 hours.

Do bakeries worry about every cake that goes out the door?  No.  But this cake cost me a reputation.  I like being on time.  25 minutes late?  I deserved a good evil eye (although I received none).

"But... I was delivering a cake."  Lame.

And these insecurities cost me sleep, as they often do.  I am not sure that it is humanity's approval that gets me, or reputation, or if it's thinking of myself in a 16 year-old's shoes.  This was her prom.  As much as I want to roll my eyes, I remember how important I thought that night was.

"And she didn't like her hair," I thought.

"Someone trusted me to make a cake, and she was disappointed."

"I was 25 minutes late, and I have let down friends and leadership."

So frustrating.  So common.  So thankful that most of the time, these accusations are unfounded; and when they are, I can learn from them.

After I cry.

Time to clean up the kitchen.  Or watch a movie.  Or decorate the cake that is waiting in the fridge.

Or sleep.

Nigh nigh.

Rachel Bee

Pink frosting makes everything better...

Yesterday I had one of those very, very rare full days off, and I got into some trouble.

As I mentioned before, my husband and I are saving for some very important items, and I find that the best way for me to save money is to remain in the confines of my big, fluffy robe.  Well, it is not so fluffy anymore.  I flee to it's permissive comforts way too often.

C'mon!  Don't we all have a fluffy robe?  Scrubs?  Fat pants?  Our husband's sweatshirts? Are these comforts not our modern day moo-moos?  Gasp!  The horror!

So comfy!

But I digress.

In my robe I tend toward the kitchen.  This soft commiseration is like a time warp, straight back to 1999, when my friend and I spent our nights with a tube of cookie dough or tub of "cream cheese frosting."  2AM jaunts to the Waffle House were the norm, along with stuffing leftover biscuits into our apron pockets on the way out of work.  I mean, they wanted to charge us 15 cents.  Ridiculous, right?

Oh boy.

So, at 8AM yesterday morning it began, first with a batch of chocolate chip cookies.  Chocolate chip cookies are in the same category with brownies for me.  They can be a thick, chewy success; or a flat, crispy failure.

Note: there are no cookie pictures in this post.

Beaten down, but not broken; I searched through my cabinets for some flavor combination- something that was light and airy- something that reminded me of Spring or Summer.  Most of all, I searched for something that would not involve stripping my robe off, shaking me out of my sugar delirium.  I found one, small Persian lime, and some leftover desiccated coconut.  I came up with this:

Pink, fuzzy deliciousness!

Coconut Cake with Lime Cream Cheese Frosting.

This little 6" cake- I intended to give a few slices away, but then I intended to greedily eat all that remained.

Well, gradually.  My tummy is aching now from a too big slice.  I wrapped it up and put it in the freezer.

But what I have tried was very delicious going down.  And the icing is pink.  And pink frosting makes everything better.  I say that I "got into trouble" because I cannot resist eating every spare dollop of fluffy pink frosting.  I looked around to be sure that P wasn't watching as I wiped the remaining creaminess clean from the bowl.  I felt like a kid, sneaking Cheetos from the pantry when my parents weren't looking.

Mmm...Cheetos- I mean, frosting...

Coconut Lime Cake

And another...

Lumpy, I know.  

A recipe?  Sure.  Why not?

Coconut Cake (adapted from Joy of Baking)

Enough for 2 6" rounds.

2 eggs, separated (separated when cold, but be sure they are room temp)
1 3/4 c cake flour
2 t baking powder
1/4 t kosher salt
1/3 c desiccated coconut
1 stick unsalted butter, softened
2 cups sugar, divided
1 t vanilla
1/2 c coconut milk
1/4 t cream of tartar

Cream butter and 1 1/2 c of sugar for 5 minutes, scraping down the bowl occasionally.  Cream until very light and fluffy.

In the meantime, sift together the flour, soda, and salt.  Stir the coconut into the mixture.  Set aside.

To the butter, add the egg yolks one at a time, and beat until they are fully incorporated.  Stir in the vanilla.

Beginning and ending with the dry ingredients, add the flour mixture, alternating with the milk.  Scrape down after each addition.  Don't get it?  OK.  Here we go...

Add 1/3 of the dry to the butter mixture.  Incorporate, scrape.
Add 1/2 milk.  Incorporate.  Scrape.
Add 1/3 dry.  Incorporate.  Scrape.
Add 1/2 milk.  Incorporate.  Scrape.
Add 1/3 dry.  Incorporate.  Scrape.

OK.  Now, in a separate bowl, add the two egg whites, and beat on high until foamy.  Add your cream of tartar.  Continue beating, gradually adding the rest of the sugar until you have very stiff, shiny peaks.  Add a third of this to the batter, to lighten it.  Then, gently fold the rest of the whites, fully incorporating them into the batter.  Divide and place in two 6" pans, with parchment circles on the bottom.

Place in an oven, preheated to 350.  Bake for @25-30 minutes, until a toothpick comes out clean.

Don't move them around too much if you are not sure they are done, as they will sink in the middle.

Set on a baking rack to cool for 10 minutes.  With a small knife, scrape around the sides of the pan.  Turn out onto the rack, and cool completely.

Lime Cream Cheese Frosting

1 package cream cheese, softened
1 stick butter, softened
zest of one lime
juice of one lime
1 t vanilla
3 c powdered sugar, sifted

Beat the cream cheese and butter until smooth.  Add the lime juice, zest, and extract and beat until incorporated.  Add the powdered sugar and stir until all mixed up (soooo tired of the word "incorporated")

Add food color if you desire.

And I did.

There you go.  It feeds 4-5 adults in jeans, or two girls in moo-moos.

Don't judge the crookedness of the dots.  Just stop.  STOP IT, NOW!

Yum.  Have a beautiful day.

Rachel Bee

A Perfect Storm...

It is nearly 10:30, EST, and I am up with a cup of coffee (French-pressed, no less), and a cake I just pulled from the oven.  Little man is awake in bed, of course, and I am just dreaming (and not in the way I should be at 10:30 PM).  I dub this not a bad time to unwind and talk about my dad's birthday cake.  I dub 10:30 EST not a bad time to talk about this...

My dad is a very special man, and he deserves a very special cake.  My very special mother gave me a "Southern Living" cookbook a few Christmases ago, and this cake has spent many evenings taunting me from the front page of the dessert chapter.

Taunting?  Yes.  Yes because it contains nearly every delicacy that causes me to swoon, and yet my husband despises:  coconut, pecans, cream cheese, custard...wait...

"Dear, do you like custard?"

No answer...probably asleep.

We'll say that he doesn't like it.  Especially because it is caramel custard.  How can I make something so abhorrent to him, especially when I make a perfectly fine chocolate cake?  Lets pause to see another picture...

Because it's a Saturday, because I am wearing my lucky socks, because it's Dad's birthday- wait...

"Dad, do you like custard?"

No answer.  I am sure he does.  Especially because it is caramel custard.

Oh well, my Darling P, the next one is yours: chocolate, Oreo, peanut butter, brownie-layered; whatever you want.

In conclusion, I- I mean, Dad got this: a perfect textural storm of moist butter pecan cake, sandwiching layers of gooey caramel custard, and dressed in tart cream cheese frosting.  I toasted shaved coconut and mammoth Georgia pecans (thanks, Shannon), and left not a surface lacking in Dixie decadence.  The Southern Living Cookbook calls it "Caramel Cream Cake," but I call it "heavenly."  It was perfect, and if you can gather the free counter space, a few hours, and all of the ingredients, it is so very worth it.

Caramel Cream Cake (adapted from Southern Living)

For prep (can be done days before)

Chop one cup of pecans very, very finely (some of these are going into your cake; you don't want them to sink).  Spread evenly onto a baking sheet, and place in an oven, preheated to 350.  Toast for 5-7 minutes (keep an eye on these babies).

Spread 1/4-1/2 cup shaved or shredded coconut onto a baking sheet.  Place in preheated oven (350), and toast for 5 minutes (if you start to smell it sooner, check!)

Make Caramel Custard, recipe below

Pecan Butter Cake

1 cup unsalted butter, softened
2 cups sugar
5 large eggs, separated
1 Tbsp. vanilla extract
2 cups all purpose flour
1 t soda
1/2 t Kosher salt
1/2 cup finely chopped coconut
1 cup buttermilk
2/3 cup finely chopped pecans

Prepare 3 8" or 9" pans by placing a circle of parchment paper on the bottom.  I never butter or flour; it is a waste of time.  Make sure your parchment paper rounds are flush to the pans, or you might have some seepage.  

Beat butter for 2-3 minutes until fluffy.  Add sugar and beat for 5-7 minutes until extra fluffy, scraping the bowl occasionally.  Add egg yolks, one at a time, until fully incorporated.  Stir in vanilla. 

Add all of the dry ingredients, plus the coconut (I used organic desiccated coconut for this, as it is so dry and very fine) together in a separate bowl, blending thoroughly.  Now, add your dry ingredients to the butter mixture, alternating with the buttermilk, BEGINNING and ENDING with the dry ingredients (in 3 or so additions).  Scrape down the bowl occasionally, and do not beat too hard.  Fold in the pecans.  

In a separate bowl, beat the egg whites until stiff peaks form.  Fold a third of the whites into the batter, to lighten it, and then continue with the rest, gently until incorporated.  

Divide into the three pans (I used two and threw some batter away.  I cried).  Weigh these pans to make sure they are even.  Throw pans into an oven preheated to 350. Bake 25 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the middle comes out clean.  Place on a baking rack and let cool for 10 minutes.  Take a small, sharp knife and run it along the inside of the pan, loosening it from the sides of the cake.  Turn cake out of pans, and let cool completely.  

Caramel Custard

1/2 cup dark brown sugar

2/3 cup corn syrup

1/3 cup cornstarch

4 egg yolks

1 1/2 cups half-and-half

pinch of salt 

1 t vanilla

Whisk together first 6 ingredients in a heavy sauce pan until smooth.  Bring to a boil over medium heat, and then boil 1 minute until thickened.  Whisk in butter, and once mixed, pour through a mesh strainer.  Trust me on this.  Place plastic over surface of custard, and cool for at least 4 hours.  Stir in vanilla.  

To assemble:

I usually wrap up my cakes after they cool and place them in the freezer for at least a couple of hours.  It helps to hold the cakes together, and they are easier to frost.  If you do this and you are using only 2 pans and want to cut the layers in half, do it BEFORE they go in the freezer.  Look closely at my layers.  I forgot that step.  Wonk.  Wonk.  Divide the filling between the layers, leaving a small space around the edge, so that it doesn't bleed into your frosting.  Frost your assembled cake, and coat thoroughly with toasted goodness.  

Don't bake and give this cake away.  Make sure you are able to snag a piece.  You have earned it.  

Cream Cheese Frosting

1 8 oz package (full fat) cream cheese, softened

1 stick of butter, softened

1 pound confectioners sugar

1 t vanilla extract

Cream together butter and cream cheese.  Add Confectioners sugar and blend until just mixed.  Stir in vanilla extract.  

Oh my goodness.  It is now nearly midnight.  The little one just quieted, and I am off to bed (caffeine, you have no power over me).  

Have a beautiful day.  

Rachel Bee